I can’t help it, that one little minor incident, will continue to bother me. My mind tells me I can no longer trust her. Although she hasn’t given me a reason not to besides the one thing. Which happened when we were broken up. I feel like I am so easy to replace. Im not special. Or needed. She doesn’t need me. To be honest she’s so pretty she could have anyone. Maybe she’s just fucking with me. Maybe this was all doomed from the start. I guess only time will tell.
I let people use me all the time. Honestly it’s kind of hard to say no. I want friends and family so I continue to let people take advantage of what I have or can do for them. I probably would be better off being a total bitch to people all of the time. But truth be told I can’t do it. Whenever I have money and someone wants it . I can’t seem to say no. It’s like I buy people’s love and affection til I have nothing left to give. Then when I have nothing to give. They want nothing to do with me and I wonder why. Truth is, I know people use me and I let it happen. Because in that moment I have someone there. And having someone there makes life alittle less painful. So I continue to buy love and affection just to make life bearable. I know I should stop. Maybe one day I’ll learn my lesson and learn that I don’t need someone there to make me happy. Or maybe I won’t. Only time will tell
The worst part about being bipolar, is the downs. When everything is going great and life seems the slightest bit enjoyable. When everything feels bearable. Its great, its an amazing feeling, almost euphoric. Then the downs come. Life begins to suck and feel horrible. Like everything is caving in around you, you feel smothered and in my case you feel like you’ve been abandoned on a sinking ship. Your heart feels like a bottomless pit of death and despair. I know I sound incredibly over dramatic. But thats honestly the only way I can even begin to describe how the downs feel.
The manic episodes are the best, in my opinion. Im sporadic and impulsive and make awful but memory making decisions. Those sometimes get me in trouble but I can live with that if it means I have some pretty hilarious stories to share in the future. I honestly don’t care what happens to me in these episodes. Because it feels like I’m living life to the fullest and Id be okay if it all ended as long as I was enjoying myself. I know that sounds completely screwed up. It is. But thats how I think. Ive learned to just deal with it.
The paranoia sucks, it keeps you up at night. Thinking the same horrible things over and over again. It drives you crazy until you are ripping at your hair and skin, hoping and wishing for just a few quick hours of shut eye. No one can help you out of that one either. You just have to wait it out or attempt to distract yourself. Most of the time I just sit there and let my mind wonder at the speed of light. I don’t have the energy to fight myself anymore. Its not worth the effort it takes to be honest.
These things aren’t even a fraction of all the emotions I endure. It feels nice to share it. But I know most probably won’t understand. Thats okay. If you read this. Thanks for reading. See ya soon!
This really has nothing to do with me. But I need to get my thoughts out. Im losing it. My family is so incredibly dysfunctional. A little back story, I have two uncles, one aunt and four cousins. My aunt is a heroin addict who had sex with both of my uncles having children with both. Three with one uncle, one with the other. My oldest cousin is a drop out working two dead end jobs. The one that is my age is selling meth and doing crack and in and out of jail. The younger is selling and doing meth, he has a severe drinking problem and depression. The youngest is doing well for herself. She just drinks and smokes weed at the age of 13 but other than that….
But today we are going to be talking about the the younger one, the one selling and doing meth. He has depression and he always covers it with alcohol and drugs. He hides his pain. Much like how I used to until I found somewhat better ways. He went missing yesterday, like many times he has before. Im just scared, overtime he goes missing I fear I will never see him again. That they will find him dead, overdosed or dead with alcohol poisoning. This fear is real and its scary. It hurts me. Im already an anxious person. I can’t handle this. It makes me want to do bad things. I love my family, I just wish they’d consider other peoples feelings as well. Ill update if i found out where he is.
Although I know this will never be read by many. I just wanted to be a voice to a few. I can’t promise that I will always be happy-go-lucky. Or have everything positive to say, considering I’m incredibly bipolar. But I wanted at least a few people who may come across this to know, they aren’t alone in their thinking. Just knowing there are other people who understand my thoughts helped me. So I figured Id give all of this a shot.
If you’re along for the ride, hold on tight loves.
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