The worst part about being bipolar, is the downs. When everything is going great and life seems the slightest bit enjoyable. When everything feels bearable. Its great, its an amazing feeling, almost euphoric. Then the downs come. Life begins to suck and feel horrible. Like everything is caving in around you, you feel smothered and in my case you feel like you’ve been abandoned on a sinking ship. Your heart feels like a bottomless pit of death and despair. I know I sound incredibly over dramatic. But thats honestly the only way I can even begin to describe how the downs feel.
The manic episodes are the best, in my opinion. Im sporadic and impulsive and make awful but memory making decisions. Those sometimes get me in trouble but I can live with that if it means I have some pretty hilarious stories to share in the future. I honestly don’t care what happens to me in these episodes. Because it feels like I’m living life to the fullest and Id be okay if it all ended as long as I was enjoying myself. I know that sounds completely screwed up. It is. But thats how I think. Ive learned to just deal with it.
The paranoia sucks, it keeps you up at night. Thinking the same horrible things over and over again. It drives you crazy until you are ripping at your hair and skin, hoping and wishing for just a few quick hours of shut eye. No one can help you out of that one either. You just have to wait it out or attempt to distract yourself. Most of the time I just sit there and let my mind wonder at the speed of light. I don’t have the energy to fight myself anymore. Its not worth the effort it takes to be honest.
These things aren’t even a fraction of all the emotions I endure. It feels nice to share it. But I know most probably won’t understand. Thats okay. If you read this. Thanks for reading. See ya soon!